The 5- Minute Solution (for multi-taskin’ Mamas)

What do we want our children to take away from their time with us? We do so much to make their lives rich. We love, support and care for them. We keep them organized, help them with challenges and introduce them to our world. But, what if our greatest impact is not what we do, but who we are being when we are with them? What if all of the doing that is so well intentioned, is but a drop in the bucket compared to what they observe in us?

If I look at what my children see me do, I can see areas that I am proud of and also areas that need work. For example, I am kind and courteous to the people I come into contact with throughout my day. I don’t snap at waiters who bring the wrong order or hang up the phone on the people who solicit during the dinner hour. This is nothing to brag about, but on the other hand, I model courtesy and this is good for something (she said hopefully.) Subsequently, I see those behaviors in my children as they mature and grow into compassionate citizens of our world.

And then there are those areas in which I have some challenges to overcome. For example, I like to get things done quickly and if I am busy and my kids are not moving at my speed, I can get impatient with them. One of my biggest challenges has always been to allow enough time for my kids to go at their own pace. I can park the car and be in the kitchen with 5 bags of groceries put away before my children have gathered their belongings and meandered down the front walk. I multi-task naturally and enjoy the sport of efficiency. That is how I am wired. And, in fact, our culture applauds that wiring so I can pat myself on the back as I simultaneously put my seatbelt on, start the car, open the garage and back out.

But what are my children learning? They see that at times, unless they go at my speed, they will be met with frustration and impatience. And what is all this about? Primarily, I am trying to get everything done for them, our home and our lives together! And in the process, I am teaching them intolerance and modeling a style of motherhood that is tense and no fun. Does it matter that dinner is on the table if getting it there was a crazed and harried experience for all of us?

So, I’ve started to think about any given day and dividing it into doing and being. The doing is easy to list. I make lunches for my children that I hope they will enjoy. I make sure they have the clothes they need and that they have opportunities to play with friends. I am interested in their school day and help them with their homework. I do things out of my love and commitment for them. It is easy.

But here is the hard part; taking the time to pay attention to who I am being. If I am running late in the morning, and in a rush to get the kids out of bed, what impact does that have? If I don’t leave enough time to help my daughter with a last minute homework problem or a clothing crisis, then what is the experience she will take to school? If I consistently get my son to school just in time to run in before the bell rings, what has he learned about taking the time to prepare for his day?

So here is my 5-minute solution. I am adding 5 minutes to everything I do in my day. If I think we should leave for school at 8:00am, we are leaving at 7:55am. If I think the kids should be able to get dressed in 10 minutes, I am allowing 15. When I wake my kids up in the morning, I am allowing more time for them to actually get up. So far, it is working well. I am more often, the patient mother I want to be. That is worth a pat on the back!

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR IMPLEMENTING A 5-MINUTE SOLUTION OF YOUR OWN:

1. What behaviors do you think your children are learning by watching you?

2. Divide the behaviors – empowering and disempowering.

3. Choose one disempowering behavior. What is something you could do to be more conscious of this way of being?

4. What is something you could do to change the behavior in small ways?

5. How can you measure that the behavior is changing?

6. Give yourself a big pat on the back!

Looking Out for List Number One

You know those things you want to do someday? Here is my partial list:
Learn to speak Spanish, write a book, Take belly dancing lessons, complete a baby scrapbook for each of my three children, read the stack of books by my bed, help my daughter with her knitting and so much more. My list continues, indefinitely.

You know those things you do every day? Here’s my partial list:
Be wife, mommy, daughter, sister, coach, trainer and friend, answer emails, exercise, manage pets, call the plumber, call the phone company, buy more dog food, change the light-bulb, pay the bills, manage the family calendar and so much more. This list goes on indefinitely, too.

And, if I am not careful, these two lists shall never meet. List number one will forever be dominated by the hands-on-hips glare of self-important list number two. And list number two does have a point. She is filled with the items that MUST get done. Her tasks concern “real” issues such as getting food on the table, running a business, getting the kids to violin and ballet, making doctor’s appointments, putting the kids to bed at night and getting them up in the morning, on TIME.

List number one has none of these serious issues to offer. All she has is her commitment to balance, love, fun, creativity and living life to the fullest. List number one does have a secret though. She knows how important she is. Unlike list number two, she doesn’t need to prove herself. She just patiently waits for her opportunity to shine. So how do we let our number one list shine when days, weeks and months fly by, filled with the concerns of list number two.

Well, I have recently implemented a strategy. I have begun to put my list one items in my calendar. I started with belly dancing lessons. No, I am not a dancer, but if the presence of a “belly” is a requirement, then after 3 kids, I’ve got that one covered. In fact the last time I took a dance class was ballet when I was 7. So, to say I am a beginner, is an understatement. On top of that, when my daughter saw me watching a belly dancing “how-to” dvd, and trying to practice some of the “moves,” she suggested that I stop it immediately. This gives you an idea of my natural talent.

Luckily, list number one does not care about what people think or whether things make sense. I forged ahead with my strategy. I made a note on a particular day to find a class and sign up. Each time I came across that note and didn’t have time to do it, I moved it forward to the next day, the next week and yes, the next month. It took 3 months, but finally there was a day in which I was able to take the time to find and sign up for a class. That set the wheels in motion. I found someone to stay with the kids, purchased a beginners skirt and set of finger cymbals and blocked out those Wednesday classes in my calendar.

As soon as I make lunches for the kids, start dinner and get my little one in the tub, I’m going to practice my moves!

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR LIST NUMBER ONE:

1. Identify one item that you have wanted to do, take care of, learn about or research, for some time.

2. What is the first step on that project?

3. When can you take that step? Next week, next month or after the New Year? Whenever it is, just put it in your calendar. If you use an electronic calendar, you can always move it forward digitally. If you use a handwritten calendar, write it on a post-it so that it can be moved forward if needed.

4. Allow list number one to shine!

Is it me? (I'm afraid so!)

This morning I had a bit of a hiccup with my first grader. As she inspected the lunch that I had made for her, she announced that she no longer likes the vegetarian chicken nuggets that have been the main staple of her diet, for the last 4 years. I calmly told her that, after all, she has loved these little morsels for 2/3 of her life, there are only 5 foods on this planet that she will eat, and 6:45am on a school day is not a good time to have a taste bud revolution. She listened and thought for a moment. She then looked at me and sweetly retorted with just a smidge of condescension; “Mama, don’t you know? People change.”

I looked at her, lost in the sincerity of her face. At a loss for words, I was all at once, impressed, frustrated and filled with a sense of inadequacy. I tried to solve the problem by reasoning with her. But, I was not in the frame of mind to do that and none of my strategies were working. Eventually, she went skipping off to the living room to play with the dog and I slumped upstairs to get dressed. I felt overwhelmed with the crushing responsibility of identifying yet another nutritious food that my daughter might accept. Like a football coach accepting defeat as my team of chicken nuggets were sent shuffling back to the locker room. The weight of the problem seemed insurmountable. Why was this so upsetting? Was it me? (Yes dear, I’m afraid so)

I went to my room and closed the door. That was smart. I took a breath. Yes I needed that. I gave myself a 5 minute time out. Good choice. And just as I was beginning to feel calmer, I decided to weigh myself. What? I stared at the numbers on the scale. They were mocking me, as they expanded, billowing out like huge unmanageable clouds of fat. Suddenly, my fragile peace of mind was gone. I stepped into the shower 5 lbs heavier than I was when I woke up that morning. I wanted to cry. Was it me? (Um… I’m afraid so.)

My mood worsened when got out of my 3-minute shower to find that the children had not made any progress in their morning routine. We only barely managed to gather ourselves together in time to make a dead run to the car armed with full cereal bowls, socks, shoes, backpacks, lunches and musical instruments. Somewhere between the garage and the school yard, the kids would have to get dressed and fed on their own. As I negotiated the well known short cuts on our drive to school and began to make up time, I felt myself relaxing. The children were laughing with each other and I could see that we would arrive on time. That would have been a great time to enjoy the absence of chaos, in blissful silence. But instead, I chose that moment to announce that I had an unexpected business meeting that evening and their least favorite babysitter would be staying with them. I was immediately enveloped with whining and complaining. How did this happen? What was I thinking? Was it me?

Yes, it was and is me, when I allow myself to get off-balance and out of synch. When I lose sleep or forget to take care of myself, I no longer address issues with a holistic approach. Instead of being a creative problem solver, I am like a crazed carpenter with only a hammer in my tool box. I make a lot of dents!

If I take care of myself, I can have a very successful conversation about chicken nuggets. I can weigh myself and accept the results as a challenge. I can get the kids into the car with shoes on and tummies full. I can even find a good time to break the babysitter news. When I have all the tools at my disposal, I’m pretty darn good at dealing with life’s little issues. That is me. Is it you too?

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR SELF-CARE:

1. Identify a menu of self-care items that create balance for you. Maybe you like to take a walk, go to the beach, read the paper with a cup of tea or take a bath. You are not doing anyone a favor by skipping your self-care. Put it in your calendar and consider it as important as grocery shopping, calling the plumber and fixing your daughter’s Halloween costume.
2. Make a list of 5-minute fixes you can do for yourself in an emergency. Go to the bathroom and lock the door, call your best friend, read a tabloid magazine or eat a gooey chocolate.
3. Notice what you do when you are not in balance and gently help yourself to stop the behavior. When I am out of synch, I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth. When I notice myself getting out of balance, I try to stop talking. How do I know when that is? Because I hear myself asking “Is it me?” I’m afraid so.

A Little Dabble...Do Ya?

How many times have I started something, only to give it up 3 to 6 months later? And, to make things worse, like an amnesia survivor, I have absolutely no memory of why I stopped. I am only left with regret and a lingering annoyance with my seeming inability to “stick with something.” Does this happen to you?

Take yoga, for example. Armed with my cheery pink yoga mat and dressed in cozy yoga pants, I twisted, balanced, and held challenging poses with the best of them. I enjoyed it immensely and felt good after every class. One year later, I woke up and realized that at some point, I had stopped practicing yoga. What happened? How did that drop out? What changed? What is wrong with me?

Or, there was my commitment to start the day early. I loved it! Each day began easily before anyone in the house was stirring. I had plenty of time to check my emails before rousing the kids, making the lunches, delivering them to school and starting my work day. Fabulous! This would last forever, right? Wrong. I think that lasted for about 7 ½ weeks.

So what is this about? Why are we unable to sustain new patterns, at times? Or, should the question be; why do we feel we have to? In looking more deeply, I realize that I hope to stick with new patterns because I want to cross things off my list - FOREVER. After all, wouldn’t it be great to cross the whole dirty business of Exercise off the list? Whether it is yoga, biking, jogging or aerobics, my deepest wish is that I would settle into something and be done – really done. I imagine people asking, “How do you stay so fit at age 92?” And I reply with pride, as I balance on one finger; “I have been practicing yoga for 50 years and I have never missed a day!”

But maybe that’s not how life is? Perhaps, we are dabblers at heart. Is it the variety that is interesting? We dabble in meditation, art, reading and organization. We learn a language and then we don’t practice it and forget. Last year I dabbled in healthy lunches for the kids. I bought a dozen books and learned to hide spinach in Jello and lentils in home-made cookies. Yum! I thought it would last forever (My children imagined this also, to their dismay.) But, after awhile, I just stopped. Like a jilted lover left with no explanation, my healthy lunch cookbooks lay disillusioned on the kitchen counter. Did I lose interest in keeping my kids healthy? No, but I lost interest in the process. It was time to move on and learn something new. It was time for me to dabble in something else.

So, here’s to the dabblers! Try things out for awhile. Enjoy the variety. Become a Jane of all trades and master at none. Sometimes, a little dab’l do ya.

1. Choose something to dabble in. Don’t commit to forever, just commit to what you enjoy.

2. The next time you stop doing something, acknowledge yourself for having tried it and move on. Support your own curiosity.

3. Make a list of all of the things you have dabbled in over the years and celebrate. You have accomplished, a lot!

Honey, You Need Help!

I looked in the mirror this morning and this is what I saw; a very tired woman. Not unhappy, not yelling at the kids, but just plain tired. It’s not that I cannot do everything that needs to be done. I can, as long as I don’t sleep. But not sleeping leads to a very cranky version of myself that does not go over well with the rest of the family, so that’s not an option. I tell myself; “Fine, just eliminate items from your ‘to-do’ list.” But what can go? My daughter needs a costume for the talent show and I promised my other daughter that I would arrange a play date for her. I’ve got 3 new clients who I am excited about working with and I’m not going to give up the work I love. I want to get candy and cards for my family for Valentines Day. I want to sit down and have dinner with my children tonight. All of it is important… so what is a woman to do?

HONEY, GET HELP! Do you feel you have to do it all yourself? Sometimes I will think that if I give in and hire someone to help me, I’ve lost the battle. I want to believe I can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan! Why? Cuz’ I’m a W O M A N? No, because I’m C R A Z Y!
So, what are the items on your list that you don’t have to do yourself? Can someone clean your house? Can someone pick up your kids from school? Can your older child help a younger child with homework? Can your husband pick up the dry cleaning on the way home? What are some small ways that you can get help, because honey, you need it! And you know what, your family needs you to get help also because if you are overwhelmed, you can’t really be with them in the way you want to be. What could be more important than that?

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR GETTING HELP:

1. Identify one or two things you do, that you don’t care about doing. Cleaning toilets, anyone?
2. Brainstorm some solutions with your family and ask them to help.
3. Look at your budget. Can you afford to spend some money each week to make life easier? What is 5 additional hours worth to you?
4. Notice if you are resisting getting help? Does having help make you less of a woman, mother or spouse? If so, it might be time to rethink thinking and get the help you need.

No Time Like the Present?
What a Relief!


"I am going to stay in the present!" I declare! And, in the time it takes me to write those words, the present is long gone. I find myself firmly grounded in the future. I am thinking about my daughter's report that is due on Tuesday, the clients I will talk to later this week and wearily wonder when our dog will learn that although our bathroom is inside the house, his bathroom is outside.

Or, I am in the past. Why did I buy that pair of pants I will never wear and what possessed me to commit to co-chair the annual school fundraiser? Gurus, well-meaning friends and self-evolved mothers alike tell us to "be here now" and "take one day at a time." They extol the virtues of the present as though it were as wonderful as a pair of new shoes, as relaxing as a Swedish massage and as satisfying as a hot fudge sundae.

Being in the present comes with so much endorsement, I tip toe into the realm of spending some time in the "present," just to see what all the fuss is about. The first thing I can tell you is that staying in the present is mighty hard. Unfortunately, in order to stay in the present, one must be aware of each moment. This takes a disciplined mind and my mind is anything but disciplined. In fact, it needs a time-out. And the irony is, a time out is exactly what I am trying to give it!

But each time I tell myself to enjoy the moment, my mind veers off like a sleepy driver on a lonely stretch of highway. It wants to think about my to-do list. It wants to worry. It wants to hope for a better moment to come. It wants to imagine how great life would be if I could clean out the closet or lose 5 pounds. But, determined and committed, I trudge on. At first I am able to bring myself to the present for fleeting moments a few times a day. As I practice this, I am able to remember more often and enjoy more fully, the feeling of a cozy bed, the joke that my daughter just told me and the great smell of coffee brewing.

I'm beginning to see a bit of value in this notion of the present. We don't need to climb to a mountain top or live in a cave, to benefit from life in the present. We can continue to be busy, efficient, multi-taskers. Being in the present does not affect what we do or what we get done. It affects who we are being.

So do-ers continue doing! But as you do, stop and notice where you are.

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR THE PRESENT:
1. Find a way to remind yourself 3 times a day to be in the present. Put a reminder on your blackberry, a string around your finger or a post-it on your forehead. Whatever works!

2. When you do remember to focus on the present, identify one thing you notice that you like. Maybe your favorite song is on the radio or the kids are having fun together and not arguing.

3. Praise yourself for your moment in the present!

4. Each week, up the ante until you are spending 10 moments a day in the present. Notice how it feels. Does it change you? Does it change your experience of life?

Start now. There is no time like the present.

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Do you have friends? Of course you do. So do I. Do you see your friends? Do you grab lunches, take walks, chat on the phone? If your answer to these questions is yes, then Bravo! However, if you're like me, you may feel as if you don't have time to cultivate and nurture friendships.
The people that we meet when we are immersed in school or our first jobs, are the ones that become true friends because we have the luxury of time. Time to hang out, time to share ups and downs and time to share experiences.

And then, things change. We move or we have families and we get busy. We lose our ability to create friendships in this way, because we are missing an important ingredient: time.
You may say, so what? I have my husband, my kids and my job. I have colleagues and acquaintances. I talk to other mothers at my "Mommy and Me" class. Who has time for anything else?

I struggle with that kind of thinking too. I tell myself I should be working or doing the grocery shopping. I should be spending that time with my kids! It feels frivolous and down deep, I don't want to be "a lady who lunches." My life has purpose after all! Or does it? If I am trying to live life as an expression of my values, then where are my friends?

Recently, I have begun to appreciate how important friendship is. I see that my parents have a group of friends that they have cultivated over years of spending time with eachother; laughing, sharing experiences, commiserating, having fun and supporting. In other words, sharing their lives.

This has inspired me to take a look at this important part of my life that I have not been missing completely, but has not been as rich as I would like it to be. I have begun to take time to cultivate new friendships, and to renew old friendships.

I have a group of women who I meet for breakfast every thursday morning. It's just one hour and we are not all able to make it each week. We came together because we all have boys the same age, but this is no longer just about the kids. There is a consistency that has grown over the four years that we have been doing this, and I am reaping real benefits now; a group of women who are true friends. I am forever grateful to the woman who invited me to join this very special group of moms.

I realize now, that I am building equity in a friendship account that will yield dividends forever.

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR FRIENDSHP:
1. Contact old friends. Who was your best-friend in college? Renew the friendship by email and then plan a time to see each other.

2. Ask someone to lunch or take a walk. Maybe there is a mom at school or a co-worker, that you think is great or interesting? Start a friendship with someone new.

3. If you are married or have a family, find other couples to socialize with. Ask them to dinner or invite their family over for a BBQ with your family.

4. Cultivate some kind of a group that meets regularly. Figure out an activity like walking, seeing movies or meeting for a meal and invite some people that you think would get along or have something in common. Make it a weekly or monthly event.

It will take time. Is it worth finding the time to do it now, for a benefit down the road? It was for me. Maybe it will be for you too.

What's new? Nothing? How wonderful! I am so pleased to announce, that blissfully, wonderfully, nothing is new! I have nothing to report. Everything is status quo. PHEW!

I recently came out of a 6 month whirlwind. It began with the first of 3 infestations of lice, in October. I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say; those little buggers have grown immune to the charms of the "over the counter" remedies. We now need professional- strength lice combers, creamers, washers and pickers. We got rid of it three times in four months and I am now an expert in a field for which I have a complete aversion.We also traveled to the east coast twice, went camping (may not sound like much, but we are not campers by nature,) coached my private clients and taught coaching classes, hosted friends and family, volunteered at the kids schools, enjoyed the busy holidays, kept a house running, maintained the health and sanity of three children, and so much more.

I started to see the end of the whirlwind in March with the completion of the elementary school talent show, (one of our favorite and most time-consuming volunteer efforts), a 1,200 mile road trip for spring break, a blow-out bowling party for my youngest and the adoption of a dog. Stop my calendar, I want to get out!As April grew closer, I began to take control of my future nothingness. Instead of busily filling in the spaces of my calendar, I protected those small blank spots, and now I am reaping the benefits.

Don't get me wrong; I am still busy. But, I am not crazed. Big difference! I took the kids to the beach after school yesterday and am going to lunch with a friend today. Typically, these kinds of activities happen every couple of months, if I'm lucky! So my spring wish for you is "nothing new" too!

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR NOTHING:
1. Take a look at your calendar for next month. Block out times during each week, where you commit to schedule nothing.
2. Practice saying no to invitations and pleas for participation from well-meaning freinds, family and neighbors who are just as busy as you and want company in their busy-ness.
3. Block out a family weekend day during the next month. Don't make any plans. Just wake up that morning and see where the day takes you.

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Clean Out and Clean Up!

Recently, I have been on a "start-the-new-year-off-right" saving spree. Now, I know it's March already - but it still feels like the beginning of the year, doesn't it? And, these activities have received an impetus from the new buds of spring!

I've been successfully saying no to small purchases that we really don't need and taking those few extra moments to think about whether there might be a lower cost solution to the challenge at hand.

At the same time, (I don't know what has gotten into me!) I have been cleaning out my closets, drawers and freezer. And much to my surprise, I am finding an absolute gold mine hiding in the forgotten nooks and crannies of my home. I started actually USING the food that I had carefully labeled and stored in my freezer. I had to get over my resistance to defrosting - a pet peeve - but, once I did, I found some wonderful turkey soup, lasagna, my daughter's favorite meatballs and so much more. Over the past month, I've substituted a few of these frozen masterpieces for dinners that would have been pizza or some other kind of "take-out," and saved a couple of bucks.

Then I moved onto my closets. You won't believe what I found in there; clothes! Shoes! Sweaters, oh my! You know that old phrase "So many clothes, nothing to wear!?" Guess what? I actually do own clothes that I love and want to wear. The problem is, I forget what I have.
On to the drawers! Do you buy the same item over and over again because you can't remember if you have it already at home? I do this with cold medicines, Q-tips, tape, nail polish, and so much more. I also buy greeting cards that I think are funny and then forget to send them to anyone. At $3 per card, each time I use one I've already bought, I can earn enough for a good cup of coffee. Now that's a good trade-off!

COACH ME QUICK! TIPS FOR CLEANING UP!
1. Set aside 10 minutes per day this week to look in your drawers, closet or freezer. What will you find? What can you use?
2. The next time your child has a project due for school or needs a costume, take a minute to see if you have some of the supplies you need at home, before going to the store.
3. Celebrate the small savings. Make it a game. This is not about sacrifice, it's about saving money that you can use for something that holds real value for you or someone you love.

If you are interested in setting up a complimentary coaching session, please contact Jamee at tenzer@lifeworks4ucoaching.com or visit www.lifeworks4ucoaching.com.